If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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