And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
