she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
