He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
