watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
