she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
