and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Someone came in the potted fern
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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