Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
