I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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