Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
