"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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