That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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