What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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