Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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