Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
