I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize