Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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