I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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