i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
