i love accidental penises.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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