Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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