Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
