i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Randomize