Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
