How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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