hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
