My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
