I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize