piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
