but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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