I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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