So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize