Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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