Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
