Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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