so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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