So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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