i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize