hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
