Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
did you just send me my own nude
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
try to milk me bitch
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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