I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
