I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
