I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
