I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
