Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
