someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I intend to get homeless drunk
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
