Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
