I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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