Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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