I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
