what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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