Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
