I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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