i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
