Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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