I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
