i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
