Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
