I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
