Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
