Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
