she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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