I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
